Coping With Grief From Loss Of Loved One Continues Beyond Holidays
By Grace Wiltbank
Contributing Writer
Christmastime, the most brutal time of the year for those who have lost a loved one, has come and gone. But that doesn’t mean that grief has vanished and that those who have suffered a devastating loss are now bursting with joy.
The reality is that you never entirely get over the loss of a loved one and there is no such thing as closure.
That was the universal feeling voiced by the women (all widows) who attended a recent workshop on “Grief and Loss” sponsored recently by Surrey Services for Seniors at the Marple (PA) Public Library. Men were welcome to attend, but none did — an indication perhaps that while men surely grieve as much as women, they may have a harder time sharing their feelings.
One women said that one of the most difficult things to deal with after losing a loved one are people who think that after a year at the most you should be able to put grief behind you and get on with your life.
But the loss of a beloved husband or someone else precious to you is not something you ever get over, the women said. She added “the sad truth is that the second year can be worse then the first. Then it really hits you that they are gone.”
Another women said she is bothered by people who come up to her and ask “how are you?” “I never know how to answer that,” she said, “and sometimes it’s obvious that people who ask that question don’t really want an answer.”
“Yet,” she added, “the worse thing someone can do is to avoid me.”
Mrs. Julie Chippendale, a Surrey social worker who moderated the session, said “you don’t want to be the elephant in the room. Some people want to talk about the deceased and some people want to listen.”
Another woman said “you can’t punish other people because you feel bad. Also, you have to remember that you’re not alone in loss and grief. Everyone’s got something that has broken their heart.”
However, the women agreed that most social gatherings can be difficult for the recently bereaved. One women’s advice: “Drive yourself to the gathering so you don’t get stuck at a place where you are uncomfortable.”
The group agreed that everyone grieves in a different way. Some said it was important for them to be with family and friends, but one women said, “I want to be alone with my thoughts.”
Mrs. Chippendale suggested that to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings at social gatherings, the recently bereaved individual may want to phone ahead and say frankly they she or he does not want to talk about the deceased.
As to how to answer the question “how are you doing?”, Mrs. Chippendale suggested that the bereaved person simply say “I’ll be OK.” She added “nobody expects a monologue.”
The group was unanimous in stating that while you never get over the loss of a loved one, it is absolutely necessary to eventually become active in the world again. At the top of their lists of healing activities was volunteer work at a hospital or a facility for the mentally and physically disabled.
The workshop concluded with a discussion of the death of pets, because the loss of a pet is often a child’s first encounter with death. The discussion was prompted by an article in that day’s newspaper about a new book, “Sammy In The Sky, the Story of the Short Life and Death of a Loveable Hound Dog Named Sammy.” Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Barbara Walsh wrote the book, which was illustrated by the painter Jamie Wyeth (son of the late Andrew Wyeth).
The story is touching and the illustrations are beautiful but the book is unbearably sad. The question of whether “Sammy In The Sky” should be given to children to prepare them for the inevitability of death was discussed but no decision was reached.
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Contributing Writer
Christmastime, the most brutal time of the year for those who have lost a loved one, has come and gone. But that doesn’t mean that grief has vanished and that those who have suffered a devastating loss are now bursting with joy.
The reality is that you never entirely get over the loss of a loved one and there is no such thing as closure.
That was the universal feeling voiced by the women (all widows) who attended a recent workshop on “Grief and Loss” sponsored recently by Surrey Services for Seniors at the Marple (PA) Public Library. Men were welcome to attend, but none did — an indication perhaps that while men surely grieve as much as women, they may have a harder time sharing their feelings.
One women said that one of the most difficult things to deal with after losing a loved one are people who think that after a year at the most you should be able to put grief behind you and get on with your life.
But the loss of a beloved husband or someone else precious to you is not something you ever get over, the women said. She added “the sad truth is that the second year can be worse then the first. Then it really hits you that they are gone.”
Another women said she is bothered by people who come up to her and ask “how are you?” “I never know how to answer that,” she said, “and sometimes it’s obvious that people who ask that question don’t really want an answer.”
“Yet,” she added, “the worse thing someone can do is to avoid me.”
Mrs. Julie Chippendale, a Surrey social worker who moderated the session, said “you don’t want to be the elephant in the room. Some people want to talk about the deceased and some people want to listen.”
Another woman said “you can’t punish other people because you feel bad. Also, you have to remember that you’re not alone in loss and grief. Everyone’s got something that has broken their heart.”
However, the women agreed that most social gatherings can be difficult for the recently bereaved. One women’s advice: “Drive yourself to the gathering so you don’t get stuck at a place where you are uncomfortable.”
The group agreed that everyone grieves in a different way. Some said it was important for them to be with family and friends, but one women said, “I want to be alone with my thoughts.”
Mrs. Chippendale suggested that to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings at social gatherings, the recently bereaved individual may want to phone ahead and say frankly they she or he does not want to talk about the deceased.
As to how to answer the question “how are you doing?”, Mrs. Chippendale suggested that the bereaved person simply say “I’ll be OK.” She added “nobody expects a monologue.”
The group was unanimous in stating that while you never get over the loss of a loved one, it is absolutely necessary to eventually become active in the world again. At the top of their lists of healing activities was volunteer work at a hospital or a facility for the mentally and physically disabled.
The workshop concluded with a discussion of the death of pets, because the loss of a pet is often a child’s first encounter with death. The discussion was prompted by an article in that day’s newspaper about a new book, “Sammy In The Sky, the Story of the Short Life and Death of a Loveable Hound Dog Named Sammy.” Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Barbara Walsh wrote the book, which was illustrated by the painter Jamie Wyeth (son of the late Andrew Wyeth).
The story is touching and the illustrations are beautiful but the book is unbearably sad. The question of whether “Sammy In The Sky” should be given to children to prepare them for the inevitability of death was discussed but no decision was reached.
*
