Expert Suggests Living Alone Does Not
Have To Result In Loneliness
By Grace Wiltbank
Contributing Writer
I still vividly remember the incident even though it occurred more than 50 years ago. It was Christmastime, I was shopping in Wanamaker’s and I decided to have lunch in the store’s famous Crystal Tea Room.
I was midway through my meal when a well dressed older woman at the next table turned to me and said, completely out of the blue, “Don’t you feel sorry for people who are alone? It must be awful for them at Christmas. My heart goes out to them. Thank god I have a family.”
I agreed with the lady that being alone — especially at Christmas — was indeed a terrible fate, but I was a 20-something back then and I really couldn’t imagine living or spending any significant part of my life in solitude, especially at Christmas.
What a difference 50 years makes. Now it seems everybody I know over 70 lives alone if they are not in some kind of assisted living facility.
The extent of solitary living and the challenges it creates were discussed in compassionate detail by behavioral health specialist Marian M. Mullahy in a recent talk at Surrey Services for Seniors’ Havertown, PA branch.
Telling it like it is, as gently as she could, Ms. Mullahy pointed out that “the longer you live the greater chance you will wind end up living alone.”
She then cited some of the grim statistics. In 1987, 8.5 million older adults lived alone. By 2020, that figure is expected to rise to 13.3 million — 77% of them women.
Most elderly women living alone are widows. They have not only lost a husband but many also find themselves a lot poorer. Studies show that 45% of older women living alone are poor or near poor. Among the causes are the fact that many older women do not own their homes and they also suffer health problems. Women live longer then men, but most women live their last years in poor health. Also, many older women have not worked much outside the home and thus have lower Social Security benefits.
Ms. Mullahy said that men as a group live five years less then women. The reasons: risky lifestyle, bereavement (only one out of every 10 men will seek help in coping with the devastating effects of the loss of a loved one) and retirement, which can cause feelings of loss and decrease in self-worth. Ms. Mullahy said men need to develop interests, friendships and self-worth beyond work.
You make loneliness worse, she said, by spending a lot of time alone by choice, avoiding parties and places where others gather, never inviting others to your home, addictions, spending excessive time on the internet, and acting out in anger instead of defusing it with logic.
On the other hand, she said, there are a lot of positive ways to live alone without being lonely. “You’re not alone if you have pets,” she said, “but she cautioned against regarding your pet as your best friend. You have to learn to become your own best friend.”
“Do things for yourself that are restorative,” she said. “Keep your memories alive and stay connected to that person who has gone.”
If “negative energy” is taking hold of your life, she said, sit down and write about all the things that are bothering you. The action of writing itself, she said, reduces negative energy.
She added: “Contribute to society in some way; serve as a model for good manners and courtesy; and challenge your mind.” She said one helpful activity is learning a foreign language.
She also recommended reaching out to friends for support, making new friends, cultivating some form of spirituality, and also cultivating an appreciation of solitude.
She said: “Learn to be comfortable with yourself; find activities you can do alone that bring satisfaction, peace of mind and heart.”
Ms. Mullahy did not specifically address the alone-at-Christmas problem, but those who find themselves alone on that day certainly could use much of her sensible advice. Reach out to friends (maybe they will invite you to dinner), invite others to dinner at your place (you can always send out for pizza or Chinese food) and exercise the spirituality which Christmas should inspire.
As if to prove her point that you can learn to live alone happily, Ms. Mullahy asked how many in the audience lived alone. Most of the hands went up. Then she asked: “Do those of you who live alone like solitude?”
Surprisingly, the answer was a unanimous yes.
Have To Result In Loneliness
By Grace Wiltbank
Contributing Writer
I still vividly remember the incident even though it occurred more than 50 years ago. It was Christmastime, I was shopping in Wanamaker’s and I decided to have lunch in the store’s famous Crystal Tea Room.
I was midway through my meal when a well dressed older woman at the next table turned to me and said, completely out of the blue, “Don’t you feel sorry for people who are alone? It must be awful for them at Christmas. My heart goes out to them. Thank god I have a family.”
I agreed with the lady that being alone — especially at Christmas — was indeed a terrible fate, but I was a 20-something back then and I really couldn’t imagine living or spending any significant part of my life in solitude, especially at Christmas.
What a difference 50 years makes. Now it seems everybody I know over 70 lives alone if they are not in some kind of assisted living facility.
The extent of solitary living and the challenges it creates were discussed in compassionate detail by behavioral health specialist Marian M. Mullahy in a recent talk at Surrey Services for Seniors’ Havertown, PA branch.
Telling it like it is, as gently as she could, Ms. Mullahy pointed out that “the longer you live the greater chance you will wind end up living alone.”
She then cited some of the grim statistics. In 1987, 8.5 million older adults lived alone. By 2020, that figure is expected to rise to 13.3 million — 77% of them women.
Most elderly women living alone are widows. They have not only lost a husband but many also find themselves a lot poorer. Studies show that 45% of older women living alone are poor or near poor. Among the causes are the fact that many older women do not own their homes and they also suffer health problems. Women live longer then men, but most women live their last years in poor health. Also, many older women have not worked much outside the home and thus have lower Social Security benefits.
Ms. Mullahy said that men as a group live five years less then women. The reasons: risky lifestyle, bereavement (only one out of every 10 men will seek help in coping with the devastating effects of the loss of a loved one) and retirement, which can cause feelings of loss and decrease in self-worth. Ms. Mullahy said men need to develop interests, friendships and self-worth beyond work.
You make loneliness worse, she said, by spending a lot of time alone by choice, avoiding parties and places where others gather, never inviting others to your home, addictions, spending excessive time on the internet, and acting out in anger instead of defusing it with logic.
On the other hand, she said, there are a lot of positive ways to live alone without being lonely. “You’re not alone if you have pets,” she said, “but she cautioned against regarding your pet as your best friend. You have to learn to become your own best friend.”
“Do things for yourself that are restorative,” she said. “Keep your memories alive and stay connected to that person who has gone.”
If “negative energy” is taking hold of your life, she said, sit down and write about all the things that are bothering you. The action of writing itself, she said, reduces negative energy.
She added: “Contribute to society in some way; serve as a model for good manners and courtesy; and challenge your mind.” She said one helpful activity is learning a foreign language.
She also recommended reaching out to friends for support, making new friends, cultivating some form of spirituality, and also cultivating an appreciation of solitude.
She said: “Learn to be comfortable with yourself; find activities you can do alone that bring satisfaction, peace of mind and heart.”
Ms. Mullahy did not specifically address the alone-at-Christmas problem, but those who find themselves alone on that day certainly could use much of her sensible advice. Reach out to friends (maybe they will invite you to dinner), invite others to dinner at your place (you can always send out for pizza or Chinese food) and exercise the spirituality which Christmas should inspire.
As if to prove her point that you can learn to live alone happily, Ms. Mullahy asked how many in the audience lived alone. Most of the hands went up. Then she asked: “Do those of you who live alone like solitude?”
Surprisingly, the answer was a unanimous yes.
